September 20, 2012

Movie Review – Battlefield Earth

Filed under: 2012 Worst Film Week,Movie Review,Worst Film Weeks — Al K Hall @ 12:01 am
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- Summary -

Director :  Roger Christian
Year Of Release :  2000
Principal Cast :  John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper, Kim Coates, Richard Tyson, Kelly Preston, Sabine Karsenti.
Approx Running Time :   118 interminable minutes
Synopsis:  Aliens rule the Earth and have subjugated humanity – until one bright dude decides to fight back.
What we think :   Read Al’s review, and you’ll get some idea.

**********************

 

Knowing what worst writers we are being, The Rod was nice enough to invite me and my frenemesis Saint Pauly [St Pauly's article is coming up later today - Ed.] to contribute to this year’s Worst Film Week. Saint Pauly and I decided to pick up the gauntlet and look at it and wonder what a gauntlet was and then throw it in the bushes. Then we decided to challenge each other to find The Worst Movie Ever.

Here is my contribution. I think it’s obvious who the winner of the losers are.

Ramblings: Star Whores

 Movie Review   Battlefield Earth

Final Proof: 1

 Movie Review   Battlefield EarthYou know how you get drunk with a 5-year-old? He drinks spiked apple juice and draws with crayons gripped in his pudgy fist even if he isn’t  that good of a drawer to begin with because he’s  5 and good at different things like recess, but he’s drunk and the picture sucks and the idea is the same crap idea every toddler has except poorly executed and while he draws he hits his second bottle and babbles on about dinosaurs and people and monsters and it makes no kind of sense, but he gets so into it he starts screaming at you and now you understand why the minimum drinking age is 21 and why kids’ stories aren’t novelized and why their pictures aren’t made. Too bad the same patronizing dismissal wasn’t made of Battlefield Earth.

 Movie Review   Battlefield Earth

At first i didn’t get this movie at all because, you know me (and if you don’t then believe the hype), i’m as bright as Snooki in a Black Hole. It took me ¾’s of the movie to realize this whole movie was a parable of Scientology.  For example, there is nothing at all even remotely redeemable about this movie. Just like Scientology! And the Evil Alien Race is known as Psychlos, which is very close to “psychos”, which is a synonym for…Scientology! More proof? Who plays the Head Evil Alien Psychlo? John Travolta! A Scientologist!

Seen from this angle, the movie is still total crap. The directing pales in comparison to Road Runner cartoons, the sets came from the original Batman TV show, the acting reeks of Power Ranger Theater, the film is scripted by a roomful of monkeys high on skank marijuana with a storyline badly copied from the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes, costumes by GI Joe paper dolls, and makeup by preteen boys with shoplifted Wall-mart cosmetics. Still, if you understand all of this is a reflection of Scientology, then you can at least have a good laugh finding out what it’s like to watch hard sects.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

 Movie Review   Battlefield Earth

You know how i know Travolta is a sick bastard? He made his wife act in this disastrous movie…and he made us us watch.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only drinking in this movie is the drinking you’ll wish you’d done beforehand to numb you up or pass you out for the duration of this chainsaw root canal.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The action was all downhill, literally, because director Roger Christian decided to film every scene at an angle. Roger Ebert said it close to better than me when he said

The director, Roger Christian, has learned from better films that directors sometimes tilt their cameras, but he has not learned why.

 Movie Review   Battlefield Earth

And the soundtrack? The music sounds like a guitar being bludgeoned to death. By a bass drum. In a bathroom stall. In Hell.

Bottom Line

If you’re one of those who likes to say “There is no way that could happen…” during a movie, this is the one for you. Also, if you’re one of those who likes to say, “This movie sucks.”

2 stars Movie Review   Battlefield Earth

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Al K Hall is like a prize-fighter who won’t go down gracefully. He owns and operates a tiny establishment somewhere in Yeaman (don’t believe me? Google it and find out) known as The Bar None, where he rambles, reviews, and responds to ripostes from drunken, inebriated individuals looking to capitalize on his good nature. Al can be found also hanging about the offices of Fernby Films from time to time because it’s a great place to sober up!

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10 Comments »

  1. Enjoyed the review!

      Robert Nowotny — September 20, 2012 @ 2:01 am

  2. I hear so many awful things about this movie all the time. I might have to check it out.
    My recent post Déjà Vu (2012) – Short Film

      Vik V. — September 20, 2012 @ 3:03 am

  3. It's one of those film in which you think it can't possibly get any worse, but then it does.

      Rodney Twelftree — September 20, 2012 @ 7:27 am

  4. And i enjoyed your enjoyment of it. Thanks for the props, brother.

      Al K Hall — September 21, 2012 @ 1:59 am

  5. It's so bad it's good…to watch it when you're drunk or in some other altered state (other than North Dakota, no one should be forced to watch this *and* be in Texas at the same time).

      Al K Hall — September 21, 2012 @ 2:01 am

  6. He he, my pal Robert Nowotny comes from Texas, Al. He's one of the good ones, though…. :D

      Rodney Twelftree — September 21, 2012 @ 7:31 am

  7. i actually knew that and meant to type "North Dakota" both times. Doh! No offense Robert. If it makes you feel any better, i was born in Amarillo and lived there two years.
    My recent post The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With Uncle Lucius

      Al K Hall — September 21, 2012 @ 3:16 pm

  8. BWAAAA HAAAA!!!! Talk about a typo… LOL!!!

      Rodney — September 21, 2012 @ 6:19 pm

  9. I think I agree with Al's comment up there that it sounds sooooo bad it is actually kind of good — I mean, the costuming alone is just so hilarious in pictures, even! So horrible, and yet so funny! Terrifically terrible! What is that alien woman up there doing with her tongue?!?

    Here's the thing about this: "now you understand why the minimum drinking age is 21 and why kids’ stories aren’t novelized and why their pictures aren’t made. The YouTube channel Geek & Sundry has actually started taking kids' stories and turning them into film, and it is WONDERFUL! They are so creative, and the stories they come up with rival Hollywood's best stuff; in fact, I venture to say that the kids' stuff is actually better than most of what Hollywood churns out, and especially "Battlefield Earth." . At any rate, I love to see what the directors do with the stories in bringing them to life. Anyone who has either been a kid or has kids will appreciate what Geek & Sundry is trying to do. See here: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL46BCD70F1C… , Written By A Kid.

    I laughed a lot in this review. :) I don't think I will be checking it out anytime soon, but it is good to know if I need to laugh at something truly abysmal, this is a good option!

    Celeste

      Celeste E. Hall (aka Mrs Al K Hall) — September 23, 2012 @ 2:27 am

  10. The missus!!! Welcome!!!

    You want to know what that alien woman is doing with her tongue? Probably the same thing Travolta did to all those masseuses! Ouch, low blow, I guess.

    I'll have to check out Geek And Sundry, that sounds like a bit of a laff!

    Thanks for dropping in, Mrs Hall! Good to have you along for the ride.

      Rodney — September 23, 2012 @ 8:38 am

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