{"id":14229,"date":"2010-09-26T12:01:11","date_gmt":"2010-09-26T02:31:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/?p=14229"},"modified":"2010-10-08T11:34:47","modified_gmt":"2010-10-08T02:04:47","slug":"worst-film-week-2010-nicolas-cage-is-naked","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/2010\/09\/26\/worst-film-week-2010-nicolas-cage-is-naked\/","title":{"rendered":"Nicolas Cage Is Naked"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Regular commenter and fellow blogger Al K Hall, who tends the glasses over at <\/em>The Bar None<\/a>, was among the first people I called upon to participate in our Worst Film Week event, and like most functioning alcoholics, found time to leave it all to the last minute to contribute. Okay, I’m in jest there, but Al did send me across a little diatribe on one of Hollywood’s fallen stars, Nic Cage. I present it to you here, for Worst Film Week. For those interested in reading more from Al, and visiting the Bar None (where, I am told, each new visitor receives one complimentary shot of tequila to get them started) then you can follow the links scattered around the site, in particular in our Friends section in the sidebar to the right. I know Al would appreciate you visiting him! Take it away my man!<\/em><\/h4>\n

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You know how you get drunk and sleep with Nicolas Cage? Me neither, but I have this image of Nicolas Cage waking up nude in a cold sweat, clutching his sheet tight against his trembling lips as his eyes dart frantically too and fro looking for some sign that his secret is out: he is so completely void of talent that he can\u2019t act out, up, or even his age. Well, I’m here today to rip that sheet away and expose him.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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There\u2019s a fable about a powerful emperor who hired a tailor for new robes. The tailor, however, only pretended to sew, then draped imaginary clothes over the emperor and asked what his majesty thought. Standing naked before the mirror and fearful of looking foolish, the emperor asked his court for their opinion and everyone, afraid to anger the regent, replied he looked splendid. Beerhounds and Barmaids, I\u2019m the drunk little boy in the crowd who\u2019s not afraid to shout out loud, \u201cNick Cage Is Naked!\u201d And he can\u2019t act, either.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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I kiss Cher? Are you freakin' kiddin' me??????<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So, how is it that he has been able to stagger along so far in this parade buck-ass naked? One word: Francis Ford Coppola. Ford Coppola is arguably one of the most gifted directors of the 20<\/span><\/span>th<\/span><\/span><\/sup> century. He\u2019s also a nepotist (which is the exact same thing as \u201cincest\u201d except he hires his family instead of sleeping with them). Nick Cage\u2019s real name is Nicolas Kim Coppola and, as Francis\u2019s nephew, a few of his earliest film appearances were in <\/span><\/span>Rumblefish<\/em><\/span><\/span> (still one of my all-time top 10 desert island movies), <\/span><\/span>The Cotton Club<\/em><\/span><\/span> and <\/span><\/span>Peggy Sue Got Married<\/em><\/span><\/span>. Who directed them? I’ll give you three guesses but you\u2019ll only need one.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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It could be worse. We could have had this.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cBut Al!\u201d I hear you whining. \u201cLook at all the good movies he\u2019s made. <\/span><\/span>Lord of War<\/em><\/span><\/span>, <\/span><\/span>Adaptation<\/em><\/span><\/span>, and he won a freaking Oscar for <\/span><\/span>Leaving Las Vegas<\/em><\/span><\/span>! For chrissakes, Al. You call yourself a \u2018Chronicle Drinker\u2019\u2014you of all people should appreciate the mad genius that is <\/span><\/span>Leaving Las Vegas<\/em><\/span><\/span>.\u201d To which I\u2019ll reply, \u201cDudes. Chill,\u201d and then I\u2019ll pour you another drink and as you sip it, I’ll calmly explain that Nick Cage has never made a good movie. The producers of these films produced good movies, the writers wrote and the directors directed good movies but if any of Nick Cage\u2019s movies were any good at all, it was in spite<\/em> of his participation in<\/em> them. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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We endured this too. Egad.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

What makes him worse than the world\u2019s other crap actors? What sets him apart from the dislikes of Keanu Reeves and Crispin Glover is that nobody will admit now unforgivably bad Cage really is. My problem with Cage is simple. He has only one speed and that\u2019s high strung. If he were an opera singer, we\u2019d all be deaf; if he were a cook, we\u2019d all be sick; if he were a surgeon we\u2019d all be dead because he\u2019d go into the operating theater with only a chainsaw and start hacking away indiscriminately. The man\u2019s about as subtle as a flatulist in a prayer meeting.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

To conclude, I\u2019d like to take this opportunity as your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson to bestow on Nicholas Cage the Bar None\u2019s first Alkie Award for Lifetime Mischievement for Bad Acting<\/strong>. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you, and I\u2019ll meet you back in the bar. Next round\u2019s on me.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Nic Cage with his Alkie Award (Warning: May not be Nic Cage)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Regular commenter and fellow blogger Al K Hall, who tends the glasses over at The…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":143,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[249,228,246],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2010-worst-film-week","category-opinion","category-worst-film-weeks"],"featured_image_urls":{"full":"","thumbnail":"","medium":"","medium_large":"","large":"","1536x1536":"","2048x2048":"","covernews-featured":"","covernews-medium":"","profile_24":"","profile_48":"","profile_96":"","profile_150":"","profile_300":"","sow-carousel-default":""},"author_info":{"display_name":"Al K Hall","author_link":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/author\/al-k-hall\/"},"category_info":"2010 Worst Film Week<\/a> Opinion<\/a> Worst Film Weeks<\/a>","tag_info":"Worst Film Weeks","comment_count":"9","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14229","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/143"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14229"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14229\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fernbyfilms.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}