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Okay, I’m prepared for the flames of Twihards to descend upon me should I give this film a rating anything less than a full 10/10. I’ve wrapped myself up in flame-retardant material, bolted the windows and doors shut, and stockpiled the various cans of soup, beans and vegetables I’m going to need for a long, hard seige. After all, those who speak ill of the vampire-themed love story written by Stephenie Meyer, and now being turned into films by a Hollywood machine looking for the next Harry Potter franchise to milk to death, would be well advised to maintain their anonymity lest you be struck down by an angry fan. The mind-numbing incredulity with which I watch normally healthy, emotionally balanced people suddenly launch into a tirade about Jacob and Edward, about who should win Bella’s affection, is often surprising even to me. My good wife, Lisa T, went along and saw Eclipse in the cinema, and came back raving about it, and how it was as good as, if not better than, New Moon. I was dismissive, mainly due to my lack of appreciation for the previous two films – now’s my chance to see if my disinterest was warranted.

Fangs out folks, get stuck into Eclipse by clicking here!!!

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From the thoughts of Lisa Twelftree, transcribed by Rodney Twelftree.

The second film based upon the popular Twilight Saga series of novels by Stephenie Meyer, New Moon sees the return of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and her undead, vampiric boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson), along with lycanthropic third wheel Jacob (Taylor Lautner). After admitting their love in the original film, New Moon now breaks them apart, or at last, stunts their development for a while. When Bella is attacked by Edwards’ vampire “brother” Jasper, whose uncontrolled feelings to taste human blood overwhelm him, Edward makes the decision to remove himself from the human girls life forever, thinking her to be in danger simply by being around them. Bella, swamped by anguish at the departure of her one true love, rekindles her childhood friendship with Jacob, a local native American Indian living on a reservation. However, as Bella soon discovers, Jacob is succumbing to his own monstrous nature and turning into a Werewolf, arch nemesis of all Vampires and of course, a dark attraction develops. As the two become friends, Bella becomes obsessed with seeing Edward again, and discovers that by putting herself in dangerous situations, she is able to envision (or, hallucinate) the visage of Edward to comfort her. But after jumping from a cliff, and setting in motion a chain of misconstrued events, Edward is led to believe that Bella has died, and himself wishes to end it all as well. After all, he promised Bella that he’d never live if she died. So Edward goes to a powerful Vampire family living in an ancient medieval city in Italy, in order to be killed. The Volturi, the self-appointed guardians of Vampire lore and protectors of the rules their species governs with, will kill Edward if he goes ahead with his plan to reveal himself to humans in the sunlight during a public spectacle. Bella, along with Edwards “sister” Alice, race to Italy to try and stop him. While all this is going on, Bella is still being hunted by the female Vampire we saw in Twilight, Victoria, whose partner James was killed by Edward at the conclusion of that film. As revenge, Victoria is seeking out Edwards mate to kill, putting Bella right in the path of an unstoppable blood sucking machine.

No, I'm a Virgo. You're a Gemeni. It'll never work....

With Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke pulling out of New Moon duties, in steps American Pie co-director Chris Weitz, whose resume to date hasn’t exactly been the sort you’d expect for a film like this. About a Boy, that lovely Hugh Grant flick, and the lacklustre Golden Compass both featured his touch, indicating a rather lukewarm response to New Moon‘s potential by studio Summit Entertainment. Weitz seems to have found his niche with New Moon, a teen-angst film with some decent special effects, both genre styles he’s tackled before. Speaking of: the film tackles themes of anxiety and separation, friendship and unrequited love, which stirred together add up to a potentially marvellous character-driven film with a hint of supernatural. But does it live up to the hype?

To continue your look at New Moon, click here for more!!!

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Apparently, this film is based upon the first of a series of successful novels, a la Harry Potter. Unfortunately, unlike the boy wizard, Twilight as a film has neither the coherency or the depth of characters to hold up under any kind of scrutiny. Bella (Kristen Stewart) arrives at a new school, and finds herself attracted to the mysterious Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who, as it turns out, is a vampire. And lives with a few other vampires in the woods outside of town. Edward, somehow, finds himself attracted to Bella as well, and although their human/vampire love is shunned by Edward’s family, they persist with it to the detriment of both their lives.

Edward and the Cullen family... they're all out to suck your blood....

I have to admit, I haven’t read any of the Stephenie Meyer novels in the series on which this film is based, so I cannot compare the differences, good or bad, between the film and the book. What I can do is compare this film to good ones, so I am adequately able to determine just how mind-numbingly tepid this “blockbuster” film actually is. I watched this film from start to end, and about half way through began to wonder just how all those teenage girls could possibly find this film as good as they claim it is. I admit, as a post-30ish guy with little time for tweenage-screaming-fanaticism towards the latest Zac Ephron clone, perhaps the point of this film is lost on me in terms of how “cool” it is, rather than anything resembling quality storytelling, but for me, director Catherine Hardwicke has utterly missed the mark as a filmmaker.

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